Introduction to Internal Family Systems (IFS)

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a model developed by Richard Schwartz in the 1980s that views the mind as composed of distinct sub-personalities or "parts." Each part has its own perspectives, memories, and roles, interacting with one another like a family system.

Core Concepts of IFS

• Parts: IFS identifies three primary types of parts: Managers, Exiles, and Firefighters. Managers aim to maintain control and prevent pain, Exiles carry trauma and pain, and Firefighters act impulsively to distract from emotional distress.

• Self: The Self represents the true essence of a person, characterized by qualities such as calmness, curiosity, compassion, and confidence.

• Internal Conflict: Internal conflict arises when different parts have opposing goals or desires, leading to feelings of distress or dysfunction.

  
  

Internal Family Systems (IFS) Process

The IFS process typically involves the following steps:

• Identifying Parts: Individuals recognize and name their various parts.

• Building Relationships: Clients develop relationships with their parts, understanding their roles and motivations.

• Listening to Parts: Clients are encouraged to listen to the concerns and needs of their parts, fostering communication.

• Facilitating Healing: The Self provides compassion and understanding to wounded parts, facilitating healing and integration.

While the overarching framework of IFS is consistent, different types of internal family systems can emerge based on an individual's unique experiences and emotional landscape. These variations often depend on one's upbringing, personal experiences, and internal conflicts. Here are a few common parts that people may identify within themselves:

1. Exiles: These parts often carry pain, trauma, or memories from past experiences. They are typically suppressed or hidden away due to their overwhelming nature. These are often inner children.

2. Managers: These parts strive to maintain control and prevent harm by managing daily emotions and responses. They can be protective but may also lead to rigid behaviors.

3. Firefighters: When exiles are triggered, firefighters spring into action. They are impulsive and act to distract or numb the pain, sometimes through unhealthy coping mechanisms.

   
   

   Can you identify examples of the above parts/behaviours in yourself?

   
   

   For example, maybe a part of you is still sad about an event that happened in the past (Exile), a part manages your life in a way that aims to not repeat the pain (Manager), and maybe a third part acts out when it perceives a threat (Firefighter).

   
   

   

   In the Internal Family Systems model, a person's system can contain a Core Self, exiled parts that hold pain, Managers that try to maintain control, and Firefighters which often respond more strongly when triggered.

Recognizing these types of parts can empower individuals to approach their emotions with curiosity rather than fear. For example, someone grappling with anxiety might identify a firefighter part that leads them to procrastination. By understanding this dynamic, they can work toward healing.

In my extensive client experience, whether you are losing sleep or struggling to get something done, most parts that come up for people long to be loved and soothed, especially when they are scared. If you get in touch with a part of yourself, ask it what it needs to feel safe, be patient and show it some love in a way that is comfortable and nourishing for this part of you.

Applications of Internal Family Systems (IFS)

Internal Family Systems (IFS) can be applied in various contexts, including:

• Individual Coaching: Assisting clients in navigating personal issues, trauma, and emotional distress.

• Couples Coaching: Helping partners understand their individual parts and improving communication.

• Group Coaching: Facilitating shared experiences and insights among participants.

• Personal Development: Encouraging self-exploration and growth through understanding internal dynamics.

Transforming With Internal Family Systems

Embarking on a journey of self-discovery and healing through parts work can be transformational.  Internal Family Systems offers a unique and compassionate approach to understanding the complexities of the human mind. By recognizing and integrating various parts, individuals can achieve greater emotional balance and well-being. If you choose to embark on this deep self-exploration, embrace the path ahead with curiosity, compassion, and commitment to your well-being. You are bound to find some amazing surprises ahead!

Journaling can facilitate self-reflection and awareness of the different parts of you.

Gentle Healing After Heartbreak With Coaching, Music, and Self-Kindness

Navigating a breakup can be one of life's most challenging experiences, leaving you feeling raw, vulnerable, and uncertain about the future. During such times, finding ways to heal and grow is essential for moving forward with grace and resilience.

You're not dramatic. Your system is overloaded from the breakup.

When you get close to someone, especially someone who felt like home, it’s not just emotional. Your body actually gets used to them being around. Their voice, their presence, even their texts… they become part of your sense of safety.

So when that’s suddenly gone? It’s like your whole inner world short-circuits.

What’s been the hardest part of the breakup for you?

• Feeling overwhelmed or anxious
• Missing the person
• Trouble sleeping or eating
• Questioning what was real

See All Options

That’s where coaching supported by something called the Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP) and Kind Self-Leadership™ can help: a powerful combination that can provide comfort and guidance on this emotional journey. It’s a really gentle process that helps your body feel safe again.

So what is the Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP)?

It’s a special kind of music that’s been designed to calm your whole system.You just listen through headphones, in short doses while being gently supported. Then you have the choice to talk it out or take it easy and relax as your body settles into the safety. That’s it.

Some people cry. Some people finally sleep. Some feel like a knot inside them finally loosened. It doesn’t make the grief disappear. It can make things quieter, clearer, and more manageable.

It's like offering a comforting hug to your body and mind, allowing them to relax and reset. SSP can sooth post-breakup emotions and quiet the mind returning you to yourself. You may still miss the person and have some things to process, but in a calmer and clearer way. This also gives you more capacity to focus on other aspects of life and to connect with others safely and with warmth.

Why Kind Self-Leadership Coaching?

Pairing coaching with the Safe and Sound Protocol and Kind Self-Leadership™, a practice that I created to support you when you are overcoming tough times, as well as when you want to achieve other ambitious goals, shifts your inner landscape. Kind Self-Leadership™ encourages compassionate self-talk and mindful self-awareness creating a nurturing environment for emotional recovery.

Have you been kind to yourself as you process this heartbreak?

• Yes
• Some of the time
• No way - kindness is cheesy
• Not quite... I'd like to be

Kind Self-Leadership™ invites you to be your own dream partner. To speak to yourself with kindness and understanding, especially when the world feels heavy. It's about accepting where you are emotionally and gently guiding yourself with love, much like a wise mentor who knows that healing takes time and patience. Gently helping yourself complete tasks, whether you are tidying up, restoring your social connections, studying, or working.

For each automatic sad thought below, think about how you can speak to yourself with kindness if this thought comes up. Click the expand button to see an example of Kind Self-Leadership™ in action (there's no right answer here - whatever feels kind to you). Notice how you feel when you tell yourself the sad thought vs. the kind thought.

If a thought like this comes up: "I need to be stronger and stop crying."

An example of Kind Self-Leadership™: "I am allowed to cry. It's healthy for me to release my emotions. It's safe for me to cry. I'm here for me. *You may choose to give yourself a hug.* When the emotions subside a bit, it will be nice to make myself some delicious food and restore energy. I deserve it."

For the thought: "I'll always be alone."

Kind Self-Leadership™: "I am here for myself. It's okay for me to take a break to process. I will continue to do my best and foster connections at my pace. I am always here for me and there are many wonderful people for me to get to know at my pace when I'm ready."

For the thought: "I wasn't good enough."

Kind Self-Leadership™: "I am good enough for me. I can learn and grow without making myself the villain of this story. I matter to me and I will talk to myself with kindness going forward no matter what happens externally."

Bringing It Together To Heal From Your Breakup

Together, these approaches foster an inner landscape where healing and growth can flourish. They encourage you to honor your feelings while slowly building resilience and self-love so that you can progress toward building the life and relationships that you would like to have.

As you navigate the waves of post-breakup grief, remember that you are not alone, and coaching guidance supported by nervous system healing tools, like the SSP and Kind Self-Leadership™, are here as a resource to support you every step of the way if you like.

You can make it through this breakup with an open heart, allowing yourself to emerge stronger, wiser, calmer, and more prepared for the adventures ahead.

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If you're interested in learning more about how nervous system restoration, such as SSP, and Kind Self-Leadership™ can support your healing journey, I'm here. You don't have to navigate this alone.

For more resources and support: learnwitholi.com | hello@learnwitholi.com

Imagine A Society Based In Love

Six months ago, I started asking myself and everyone I met: “what do you see when you imagine a society based in love?” to develop our personal visions as well as to find out if we had a common dream.

I started to ask this after I realized that no matter how much individual healing we do, our hearts, minds, and bodies are connected. We all rely on and support each other. 

I can distract myself, but I can't be happy if children are dying in wars. I can't act with full integrity if I lack trust in other humans. I can’t live optimistically if the planet is straining. I can’t live guilt-free if I’m mindlessly overconsuming and not contributing my fullest in ways that feel meaningful.

I worried that we don’t quite live in a society rooted in love for the planet and its inhabitants. Then I started to ask myself what a loving society looks like to me. As soon as I asked myself the question, I realized it had POWER. My priorities shifted so fast it made my head spin. 

Suddenly I was acting in unfamiliar ways, making bold choices, aligning myself with the vision. People and organisations who are realizing my dreams surrounded me. It became easier to say no to what didn’t feel aligned. There is also grief, anxiety, and anger - I see them as important messengers on the journey. They were already there. I’m no longer pushing them aside and they have become my allies.

I want to share this question with every person in the world and I want us to ask it in every domain: in relationships, at work, in leisure. What do you see when you imagine a society based in love? And then watch it manifest through and around us.

With every person who asks themselves this question, the universe changes. In every moment that we act with kindness, the world is kinder. In every moment that we choose love over aggression, love wins. Evert time we choose love over greed, generosity is freed into existence.

No one of us, no matter how wealthy or powerful, can or should control everything. We are affected by each other, by the systems we come together to enact, by nature. And yet, every one of us has power. To live in that power, to dedicate our lives to learning to express and receive love, is a personal revolution. To do it collectively provides fertile soil for the earth’s full potential to bloom.

I can share my vision but I don’t want to convince you to build my dream. I want the joy and wonder of seeing you uncover and build yours. After thousands of conversations with people all over the world, I know that our visions of a society based in love have lots in common. By unleashing our own dreams of a loving society we create each other’s and also discover the many different forms love can take.

I’m a flawed person living imperfectly and I have much to improve on. I’m not currently able to fully express the boundless love that lives inside me. I make mistakes. I fall. And then I get up. And I try again. Because, well, how else will I ever learn how to walk?

As I create my blueprint of a life and society deeper in love, I realize reality is brimming with opportunities. Every person is needed. No detail is too small for the care of loving attention. Our diverse interests and perspectives make our 8 billion person team capable of caring for ourselves and the earth in an infinite number of love languages. How do you want to express your heart today? The world wants to hear your song.

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If you would like to share your vision of a society based in love with me at any time, please feel free to send it in written, visual, video, audio or another format.

For help with discovering your personal and/or professional vision and finding the courage to live it, feel free to reach out and book a working session.